Purity Culture 101: Unpacking the Beliefs, Harm, and Healing

7 Mar

If you grew up in a faith tradition that taught you to “save yourself for marriage,” that your worth was tied to your sexual purity, or that your body was a “stumbling block” to others, you were likely immersed in purity culture.

Maybe you signed a purity pledge, wore a purity ring, or were given a metaphor about chewed-up gum, plucked petals, or a used toothbrush meant to scare you into compliance. Maybe no one needed to say those things outright—purity culture was often absorbed in the unspoken rules of what was acceptable, moral, or “godly.”

At its core, purity culture is a set of teachings that regulate sex, desire, gender roles, and even emotions under the guise of morality. It has left many people—women, men, non-binary, and queer folks alike—struggling with shame, dissociation from their own bodies, and deeply harmful beliefs about sex and relationships.

So, let’s dive in: what is purity culture, how does it manifest, who does it harm, and how do we begin to heal from it?

What is Purity Culture?

Purity culture refers to a movement within conservative evangelical Christianity (though it appears in other religious and cultural contexts) that emerged in the 1990s and early 2000s as a response to perceived moral decay and the rise of the sexual revolution. It was deeply tied to the evangelical obsession with “family values” and the belief that sexual restraint was a sign of godliness.

Some defining features of purity culture include:

Abstinence-Only Teaching – Sex is only moral within heterosexual marriage, and any sexual activity (or even desire) outside of that is sinful.
Virginity as a Measure of Worth – Virginity was framed as a sign of morality, self-control, and commitment to God. Losing it before marriage—especially for women—was seen as devastating.
Fear-Based Metaphors – Many were told that having sex before marriage made them “damaged goods.” The gum that’s already been chewed. The flower with its petals plucked. The tape that’s lost its stickiness.
Purity Pledges and Rings – Many young people (especially girls/AFAB) participated in public purity pledges, promising to remain virgins until marriage, sometimes signing contracts or receiving rings from parents or pastors.
Gendered Double Standards – Women were expected to be the “gatekeepers” of sexual purity, while men were assumed to be inherently more sexual and in need of restraint.
Modesty Rules – Women and girls were told to dress and behave in ways that wouldn’t “tempt” men, shifting responsibility for male desire onto female bodies.
Sexuality Erasure – Queer and Trans people had no place in purity culture’s framework. Heterosexuality/Cisgenderism was assumed, and any deviation was framed as sin.

While these are the most recognisable parts of purity culture, its effects go far beyond just abstinence messaging. It created a worldview where bodies, pleasure, and intimacy were tightly controlled and often disconnected from personal agency.

Purity Culture Was Never Just About Sex

When we talk about purity culture, the focus is often on its rules around sex, virginity, and “modesty.” But the truth is, purity culture was never just about controlling sexuality—it was about controlling people. It was a system of moral, emotional, and even spiritual purity, demanding total submission to authority, self-denial, and an impossible standard of perfection.

Emotional Suppression and Shame

Purity culture taught us that certain emotions were dangerous, and others were only acceptable when they fit within its narrow moral framework. Many people raised within it were told that:

Doubt was sinful. You weren’t supposed to ask questions that challenged authority or faith. Doubt meant you were backsliding, not “trusting God’s plan.”
Anger was rebellion. Even if your anger was justified—at injustice, at harm, at oppression—you were told to “forgive and forget,” to “submit to authority,” and to “trust God’s plan.”
Sadness meant you lacked faith. Struggling with mental health or grief? You were often told to “pray harder” or find joy in suffering, creating an environment where vulnerability and emotional expression were discouraged.

Rather than learning to process and validate their emotions, many were taught to repress or ignore them in the name of holiness. The result? Many people developed emotional numbness or felt alienated from their true feelings, unsure of how to navigate their own emotional world without guilt or shame.

Purity Culture and Self-Worth

In purity culture, self-worth wasn’t based on individuality, creativity, or authentic connection—it was based on moral perfection. People were told that their value was directly tied to their sexual purity, and, for many, their worth was reduced to how “holy” or “sinless” they appeared. This wasn’t just about sex; it permeated all areas of life.

Were you a good person? How pure was your heart? How faithful was your devotion? Were you “submissive” enough? The entire worth of a person could be questioned based on how well they lived up to these strict and often unrealistic standards.

Who Was Affected by Purity Culture?

While purity culture impacted many who grew up in conservative faith spaces, the damage wasn’t equal across the board.

Women & AFAB People

Women were burdened with the responsibility of “remaining pure” and also of keeping men pure. The messaging was clear: if a man lusted after you, it was your fault. If you were assaulted, you had to examine what you were wearing or what “signals” you had given. The weight of men’s actions was placed on women’s shoulders, which led to intense shame, self-blame, and a fear of being sexual at all.

Many women, after marriage, found that they struggled to enjoy sex or even want it at all. When you’ve been told your whole life that sex is sinful and dangerous, flipping the switch to see it as “good” overnight isn’t easy.

Men & AMAB People

Men were often told they were inherently more sexual, wired to pursue, and that their desires were uncontrollable. Rather than being taught emotional regulation or healthy intimacy, they were taught to fear their own sexuality and to rely on women to set the boundaries. This left many men struggling with guilt over desire, feeling disconnected from their emotions, or believing they had no control over their actions.

Queer/Trans Folks

Queerness had no place in purity culture. Heterosexuality was assumed, and anything outside of it was framed as “deviant.” Queer people growing up in these spaces received double the shame—not just for any sexual thoughts or desires but for the very essence of who they were.

For many queer folks, purity culture wasn’t just about avoiding sex—it was about avoiding themselves. The message was clear: who you are is wrong. This led many to suppress their sexuality, stay in closeted marriages, or engage in harmful self-denial practices to try to “fix” themselves.

Purity culture also erased trans and non-binary identities by enforcing rigid gender roles. If purity culture was built on a “godly man” and “godly woman” binary, then anyone who didn’t fit within that structure was automatically seen as an outsider, broken, or worse—an abomination.

The Long-Term Effects of Purity Culture

Purity culture wasn’t just about what you did (or didn’t do) before marriage. It shaped how people saw themselves, their bodies, and their relationships for years to come.

Some of the long-term effects include:

Shame Around Sex & Desire – Many people find it hard to experience sexual pleasure without guilt or fear.

Dissociation from the Body – After years of being taught that your body is dangerous or a source of sin, it can feel foreign or even unsafe to reconnect with it.

Difficulties with Consent – Many of us were never taught that our body and choices belonged to us. Instead, we were taught to obey authority (parents, pastors, husbands). This led to struggles with boundaries and recognising coercion.

Relationship Challenges – Rigid gender roles, emotional suppression, and unrealistic expectations about marriage left many struggling to navigate intimacy in healthy ways.

Sexual Dysfunction & Pain – Many women experience vaginismus or other physical responses to sex due to years of internalised fear and shame.

How Do We Begin to Heal?

Healing from purity culture is messy and non-linear, but it is possible. Some places to start:

Challenge the Beliefs – Recognise that purity culture wasn’t “truth”—it was a social construct designed to control bodies and desires. Start questioning: Who benefits from these beliefs? What’s actually true for me?

Reclaim Your Body – This can mean exploring pleasure on your own terms, moving your body in ways that feel good, or simply learning to listen to your needs without shame.

Learn About Consent & Autonomy – Many of us were never given the tools to navigate relationships in ways that prioritise mutual respect and agency. Educating ourselves is an act of reclaiming power.

Unpack the Trauma – Many people need to process their experiences with a therapist who understands purity culture’s impact. You’re not alone in this.

Build a New Framework – Instead of rules based on fear, what do you want your relationship with sex and intimacy to look like? What values actually resonate with you now?

Purity culture was never about protecting people—it was about control. It was about fear. And for many of us, it left deep wounds that we are still working to untangle.

But healing is possible. You are not “damaged goods.” Your desires are not sinful. Your body is not dangerous.

You are whole. You are worthy. And you get to define what a healthy, fulfilling, and joyful relationship with sex, intimacy, and love looks like—on your own terms.