I Don’t Know What To Believe Anymore – The Impact of Spiritual Gaslighting

7 Aug

We hear the term ‘gaslighting’ a lot. It is most often associated with domestic and family violence or when talking about narcissistic behaviours. However, it doesn’t start and end there – we can experience gaslighting in a number of other situations, including spiritual.

Churches, cults and other high control groups teach people what to believe, how to behave, what is acceptable and what is not. When this happens it removes our ability to think critically about ourselves, the world, the church and our beliefs. It leave us vulnerable to being manipulated, controlled and yep you guessed it – gaslit.

What Actually Is Gaslighting?

The best way to understand what gaslighting is, is by looking at where it originated.

The term “gaslighting” originates in a British play-turned film from the 1930s. The play was called “Gas Light” and the plot is about a husband who mentally and emotionally manipulates his wife into believing she is crazy by changing the intensity of the gas lamps within their home. He does other crazy-making things like knocking on the walls or moving/disappearing items around the house.

He was so persistent in denying her reality that he eventually convinced her that she was crazy. The story ends in an epic tragedy of the wife being committed to a mental institution. All her inheritance to be stolen by her conniving husband. The film is upsetting to watch because the audience is watching a woman slowly begin to question herself and her sense of reality.

So, in short gaslighting is a form of emotional manipulation and psychological abuse. It’s purpose is to cause the victim to question their sanity, their instincts, or their perception of events.

Some believe that gaslighting is always done with harmful intent and purpose. Having been in a high control group, i’m not sure I agree. Often conditioning and religious beliefs can lead to this type of behaviour happening unconsciously.

Is All Gaslighting Equal?

Short answer is no. There are different types of gaslighting, some that are more obvious than others.

Blaming – This type of of gaslighting involves blaming someone else for minor or major things that might go wrong. It might sound like “You make everything so difficult, why do you cause such drama?” or “I didn’t do that, this was your fault.”.
Your Crazy – This type of gaslighting is when the gaslighter accuses others of being crazy, unreasonable, or needy when someone is having normal reactions to life circumstances. This can often sound like “Are you kidding? That’s ridiculous, you’re crazy” or “Your reading into something that isn’t there, its all in your head”.
Denial – This type of gaslighting outright denies that something happened the way that it did. This makes you feel like your perception or feelings are completely invalid. This will sound like outright denial “I didn’t do that, you are making it up” or “I don’t remember that, so you are obviously lying”.
Too Sensitive – This is a type of gaslighting where the gaslighter accuses someone else of being too emotional or sensitive. It will sound something like “You are such a drama queen” or “You always make a big deal out of this”.
It Was A Joke – This type of gaslighting accuses someone of misreading hateful, dismissive, or threatening interactions in a relationship. We see this when people say “Lighten up, I was only kidding” or “Gosh it was just a joke” after make a critical or insulting remark.
Isolation – This is when someone knows they are being manipulative and they are turning up the volume to 100. They know they’ve done wrong and that you’re not crazy. However they threaten you with social isolation if you were to tell your support system. It will sounds like “Go on tell the police, they won’t believe you anyway” or “Tell your friends, I dare you”.

So What Is Spiritual Gaslighting?

Spiritual gaslighting is when that manipulation and abuse involves using religious beliefs, texts, or authority. It is in order control, invalidate, or undermine someone’s spiritual experiences or personal beliefs.

It often involves twisting religious doctrines to make someone doubt their own faith, dismissing their valid concerns as signs of weak faith, or shaming them into conforming to specific religious norms. The core of spiritual gaslighting lies in using spirituality as a tool for control, rather than for genuine support and guidance. This ends up leaving individuals feeling confused, isolated, and questioning their own beliefs and experiences.

So, you might be wondering what that actually looks and sounds like. Well keep on reading!

Twisting Scripture To Manipulate

This is when someone twists religious texts to make you doubt your own beliefs or experiences. For instance, if you express doubt or disagreement with a religious doctrine, and someone responds by saying you’re not praying hard enough or lacking faith.

You might hear “You’re struggling with doubt because you’re not praying hard enough. If you truly believed, you wouldn’t be questioning this.” or “The Bible clearly says that homosexuality is a sin. You’re just trying to rationalise your desires instead of repenting.”

Dismissing Valid Concerns As A Lack Of Faith

Let’s say you’re going through a tough time and you confide in someone from your religious community. Instead of offering support, they might tell you that you’re being tested by God or that your struggles are a result of your own spiritual shortcomings. It is also important to note hear that often suffering is seen as godly, and so this can be done with a joyous tone, not a judgemental one. All because they feel that it is a blessing or an opportunity to grow.

This can sound like “You’re going through this because God is testing you. If you had stronger faith, you wouldn’t be struggling.” or “Stop complaining about your mental health issues. True believers don’t need therapy; they find solace in prayer.”

Shaming Or Guilt-Tripping

Someone might use religious teachings to shame or guilt you into conforming to their expectations. For instance, if you’re part of a conservative religious community and you express a desire to explore your sexuality or gender identity, you might be told that you’re sinning or letting down your faith community.

Many churches ascribe to the doctrine that we are supposed to suppress any part of our identity to be more like Jesus (or any other divine figure), so sometimes this form of gaslighting can be hard to spot. It is so baked into the culture that you don’t even notice.

We see this when we hear things like “Think about your family and community when you choose to explore this lifestyle. Think about how your actions reflect on our faith.” or “You’re not being a good Christian if you prioritise your own happiness over God’s plan for you.”

Claiming To Speak For God

This is a classic move where someone claims to have a direct line to God and uses that authority to manipulate or control others. For example, if someone tells you that God spoke to them and said you should stay in an abusive relationship or follow a particular path, that’s a big red flag. Prophecy and intercessory prayer is often used as a means to offer judgement over someones life. This can be done in both private and public settings, which can intensify the level of humiliation.

It sounds like “God told me in a vision that you need to forgive your abuser and reconcile with them. It’s the only way to find peace and stay in alignment with God.” or “I had a dream where God showed me the consequences of your actions. You need to change your ways before it’s too late, remember that God forgave you first.”

Invalidating Spiritual Experiences

If you have a profound spiritual experience or revelation that doesn’t fit within the norms of your religious community, you might be dismissed or even ostracised. This can make you doubt your own experiences and feelings.

We hear “That feeling you had during meditation wasn’t a divine revelation; it was just your imagination. You need to focus on real prayer.” or “You claim to have had a vision from God, but everyone knows that stuff doesn’t happen anymore. You’re just seeking attention.”

What Should I Do If I Am Experiencing This?

Trust your instincts: Recognise that your feelings and experiences are valid.
Seek support: Talk to trusted friends, family members, or a therapist who understands religious trauma.
Educate yourself: Learn about spiritual abuse and gaslighting to better understand your situation.
Set boundaries: Clearly communicate what behaviours are unacceptable and limit interactions with those engaging in gaslighting (if it is safe to do so).
Explore other communities: Find diverse spiritual or secular communities where you feel safe and supported.
Remember your worth: Your spiritual journey is personal, and you deserve respect and validation.

Healing Is Possible!

Healing from spiritual gaslighting is not only possible but can lead to profound personal growth and renewed faith in yourself.

As you navigate this, remember that reclaiming your spiritual autonomy is a powerful act of self-love and resilience. Surround yourself with supportive and understanding individuals who honour your experiences and beliefs. Healing takes time, but with each step, you’ll rediscover your inner strength and clarity. Trust in yourself, and know that you are not alone.

Many have walked this path (including myself) and emerged stronger and more grounded. You are worthy of a faith and life that uplift and empower you.