Christmas, Reimagined: Navigating the Holidays After Religious Trauma

Ah, Christmas. That magical time of year when the world is dressed in tinsel, Mariah Carey is belting her heart out, and social calendars are bursting at the seams. For some, it’s a season of warmth, connection, and celebration. But for those of us carrying the weight of religious trauma, it can feel like navigating a minefield —hazardous, disorienting, and anything but merry.

If you’ve experienced religious trauma, high-control group dynamics, or left a faith community, Christmas may not be the “hap-happiest season of all” you’re bombarded with in every advertisement. It might be a season of grief, loneliness, or even survival. But you’re not alone in this—and it’s okay if your holiday doesn’t look or feel like the glossy, picture-perfect version we’re so often sold.

Let’s explore why Christmas can hit differently for survivors of religious trauma, what some of the common triggers are, and how you can care for yourself during this complex time.

Why Christmas Feels Complicated for Survivors of Religious Trauma

For many of us, Christmas was once steeped in religious meaning. It was about carols sung in worship, nativity scenes carefully arranged, and sermons about Jesus’ birth. Even if those traditions no longer resonate, their absence can leave a gaping hole—one filled with grief for what was, or perhaps relief, tangled up with guilt.

Then there’s the family factor. If your family is still entrenched in the beliefs you’ve left behind, Christmas can bring up the same old conversations you dread:

“We’re praying for you to come back.”

“Christmas isn’t the same without you at church.”

• Or worse, the silent tension of estrangement that fills the room like a bad Christmas pudding.

And let’s not forget the cultural messaging. Christmas is marketed as a time of joy, togetherness, and love, but for those of us who feel on the outside looking in, it’s a stark reminder of what we’ve lost—or never had.

Common Holiday Triggers and How to Spot Them

One of the best ways to prepare for the holidays is to identify your triggers ahead of time. Triggers are those sneaky little pain points that hit you out of nowhere—like a rogue bauble falling off the tree.

For me, it’s hearing Christmas carols in Kmart, carols I used to sing in church with tears of devotion streaming down my face. It’s seeing nativity scenes I no longer display or hearing Sylvie Palladino belt out O Holy Night during Carols by Candlelight without the same heartwarming reaction. These moments remind me of what I’ve lost, even if I no longer align with it.

Your triggers might look different. Maybe it’s family prayers, being dragged to church, or the pressure to perform traditions that feel hollow now. By identifying these triggers, you take back a bit of control. You can acknowledge them, prepare for them, and decide how to respond.

Strategies for Surviving—and Thriving—This Christmas

If the idea of Christmas fills you with dread, take a deep breath. You don’t have to endure the season passively. Here are some strategies to help you navigate the holidays with intention, care, and maybe even a touch of joy.

1. Reclaim the Season

Christmas doesn’t have to look the way it always has—or even exist at all in your world. You can redefine it entirely. Maybe it’s about rest, reflection, or finding joy in the little things. For me, that’s meant embracing The Grinch, prioritising playfulness, and swapping nativity scenes for Nutcrackers.

2. Set Boundaries Like a Boss

Boundaries are your best friend. Whether it’s saying no to events, steering conversations away from triggering topics, or skipping traditions that hurt, boundaries protect your peace. Remember: it’s not selfish to prioritise your well-being. It’s essential.

3. Create New Traditions

Old traditions might feel painful, but new ones can be empowering. Bake cookies for yourself, binge cheesy Christmas movies (Love Actually forever), or create a playlist of songs that make you feel grounded. Whatever brings you joy is fair game.

4. Lean on Your Support System

Whether it’s friends, a therapist, or an online community, find your people. Sometimes just knowing you’re not alone in your experience can make a world of difference. (Psst—groups like the Religious Trauma Collective are great places to start.)

5. Use Grounding Tools

When the holiday overwhelm hits, grounding techniques can help. Deep breathing, mindfulness, or even a quick walk outside can bring you back to the present moment.

6. Give Yourself Permission to Feel

Sadness, anger, nostalgia—it’s all valid. Grief is part of healing, and sitting with your feelings can be a powerful act of self-compassion.

A Light in The Darkness

One Christmas, I lit a candle—not for prayer or tradition, but just for me. I watched the flame flicker and felt, for the first time in a long time, a sense of peace. It reminded me that even in the darkest moments, light can be found.

This holiday season, I hope you find your light—whether it’s in a moment of quiet, a new tradition, or the simple act of putting yourself first. You deserve a Christmas that feels safe, gentle, and true to who you are now.

And if your Christmas is less about joy and more about survival, that’s okay too. There’s no wrong way to do the holidays. Whether you’re clutching your drink a little tighter when the carols start or spending the day in your pyjamas with takeout and Netflix, know this: you’re not alone, and there’s no shame in stepping back from what no longer serves you.

Wishing you a season of peace, rest, and self-compassion. You’ve got this.

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Finding Freedom in Feeling

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The Layers of Loss: Grief and Religious Trauma