Summer Lovin’
It’s February and we’re being bombarded by roses and romance. The commercialism of the Hallmark experience no doubt helps us roll our eyes and move on, but there’s nothing much more primal and core to who we are than being loved.
Which leads me to purity culture. We talk about it and write about it a lot here, our posts refer to the damage done and we point to ways to be ok with our bodies and our relationships. But sheesh, it can cut deep can’t it?
It took many years to be comfortable enough in my body to be able to relax into my sense of sexuality and even talk about it openly. The work of The Naked Pastor is so validating on this topic.
I wrote this at the beginning of one of the chapters in my eBook, The Sentimental Non-Believer.
“After dropping me home from youth one night, a guy I had a crush on kissed me as we leaned up against his hotted-up Monaro. Then, after ignoring me for about a week, he said that the holy spirit had told him we couldn’t go on. It wasn’t of God. He said we had gone too far because he had slipped his tongue in. He had sought counsel from a pastor who said it wasn’t right to awaken love before it pleases, and tongue kissing should be saved for sex, which of course must be saved for marriage.”
The tongue kiss in question was when I was about 17. It's pretty developmentally normal stuff, but Summer Lovin’ in high control faith spaces can often be a bit weird like that.
The lasting impact of purity culture can be so widespread that it affects our relationships for a long time, even after we’ve left.
We can second-guess ourselves, find it hard to trust our instincts.
We can be left not knowing what feels right for us sexually.
Or wondering if we’re queer or straight and what feels the most like us, or is it both?
We can freeze up and carry shame.
Or regret not having being more curious.
We can show up to adult, consenting experiences, feeling like the teenage versions of ourselves.
If this was you, know you’re not alone.
Many of the practitioners on our registry have personal and professional experience with purity culture and specialise in this space.
Some of the best resources I have read on this topic include:
Dr Hillary McBride’s The Wisdom of Your Body and the accompanying workbook.
Nadia Boltz-Weber’s Shameless.
Meg Cowan’s Instagram page, courses and offerings.
There are many ways to heal from the impact of purity culture. Reach out if you need support.