What do you need?

Asking for what we need can be mortifying. I’ve never been good at it. My therapist once called me a high functioning co-dependant and I had to admit she wasn’t wrong. Prioritising the needs of others and being ok even when those around us aren’t ok is something we have to learn.

This is especially true when we have spent any length of time in high-control faith spaces.

• We learn that our needs and feelings come second to everyone else’s.

• We are taught to die to ourselves.

• We are told we can’t trust our emotions.

• We learn quickly that we are affirmed and celebrated when we are selfless and available to serve.

• We are told service and sacrifice will bring us the greatest fulfilment in life.

It’s not until our needs start screaming at us in the form of burnout, chronic illness or debilitating reactions to the bigness of life such as grief, that we realise we have to ask for help and be vulnerable with, and present to, our own emotions.

And this of course is the mortifying part.

We have to become comfortable with feeling.

We have to unlearn saviourism and deflecting from ourselves, which feels so unfamiliar and by extension, unsafe. It can feel wrong, like we’re being selfish and self-centred.

I hear you wincing a little as you read. Breathe it in “It’s safe for me to ask for what I need.” “My needs matter.”

And that’s because you matter. What you need?